I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
