Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
