Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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