as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
