Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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