Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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