I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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