Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
