Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
