I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
FUCK WHALES
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
