either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
