i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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