I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
