She announced her abortion via fbk
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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