my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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