it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
