Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
