My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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