i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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