My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
