she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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