a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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