the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
