I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
