I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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