Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
