When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
