capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
