I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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