i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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