Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
