3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
