they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
