Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
