Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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