Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
