oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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