I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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