i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
