Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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