I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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