I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
