2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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