i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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