i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
