and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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