I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Is Oprah even human
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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