So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
