I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
