I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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