I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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