There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
