Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
