That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
